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| - Hysteria Boy am I exhausted. It's about 3:22, AM. I've been just doing random things in between homework all evening yesterday till now; napping, writing lyrics, watching music videos etc. I want to sleep, but I would just have a massive headache if I were to only get 3 hours. There's so much work to be done anyways. I could work on homework alone for the next 4 days. -SIGH-. So much has been going on, I can't even sort things out anymore. I'm not really sure what to do. I mean there's so much pressure at school, and as of this weekend, those time-consuming SAT prep classes are gonna start up again. I still have to raise about $400 for Sojourn within 3 weeks, I have all those sojourn questions to answer. Then that YDI group me and lil are in, we have to start some big project organizing these fishbowls that will happen in March/April. Junior Exhibition starts as of today. Then the biggest thing of all, watching my sister. Over the time period of when I didn't write in this thing, my sister got sick. She has a lot of intestinal/digestive problems now. My parents are so naive, they know nothing. They don't accept the fact that, they are making her EVEN MORE SICK. It's frustrating. When I tell them, they say "I'm running my mouth, acting like a smart-ass, I'm not a doctor I don't know anything." Well, I may not be a doctor BUT, I listen, I read, and I know that if the doctor says, my sister cant eat ANYTHING from a fast food place, then that means you listen to that, and follow the directions. What do my genius parents do? We go out for Heena's birthday and they buy her, a CHEESY, GREASY, SANDWICH. It's worse than a PIZZA. You literally touch it and ur skin is SMOTHERED in grease. Now I may not be a doctor but, if she has intestinal problems, that means no grease, no fat. COME ON! Later in the day my sisters stomach, sides, intestines, everything are sore. They blame it on the fact that my sister was driving to fast in the race car at malibu. Does that make sense to anyone?! I THINK NOT! Ugh, its irritating, they tell me not to be a smart-ass, but come on thats pure logic right there! I understand why I was/still am the way I am now. I inherited everything from my parents, being naive, never asking questions, never THINKING things out, before saying something. Oh well, that habit is changing, fortunately. I'm tired of staying home, me and my parents get into constant arguments about Heena and what she can and can not eat. It's pointless and stupid. It's not like I have time to do this every SINGLE day. To top that all off, I have all this depression building up inside of me, from what? Absolutely, no clue. I feel to seperated from everyone. I've like, lost all of my close friends, my fault, I think. Yeah most likely. I mean it's not like I try out of my way to be with them, like before. It sucks, I just stopped caring about everything and everyone. I don't know what happened.
Hmm, this blog makes no sense, thank you for wasting your time with it. Ask me more about it if you don't get it. Venting with a responce, would be nice.
3:46AM, Back to homework again. | | |
| - Passive Myspace: Tuesday, February 01, 2005
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honesty...
Current mood:  contemplative
four minutes left til my sisters birthday. As the first day of the month, life has treated me fairly well. I always determine how well the month will be depending on the first day. A lot of things got out in the open, it didnt result in a fight. I mean, this could honestly mean a new beginning. How wonderful? I'm happy, yet scared. This has happened twice before, us being us again. The first time was good, it was bliss. The second time....hell...pure hell...some say the third time is the charm? I think. What i want more than anything in the world, is for us to be okay...for once...cant we just be the best of friends with no more fights, no miscommunications, no more lies/false statements. happy forever? It's hard to tell now a days. I know one things for sure. Life feels complete when I am around my Brandon. Most of the times it's hard to cope with everything we put eachother through, but in the end the only person who understands me better than anyone else is him, and vise-versa. Some of you would call me pathetic, but I can't help myselfand frankly i stopped caring and listening to what some of u have said. When things are okay between "us", everything seems to fall into place. All the depression, just vanishes for that tiny moment. That's what I call true-friendship....if only honesty could play a bigger role in this game...before i listened to only myself, a lot of situations can mess with a persons mind. Rumors especially. It's hard to believe certain things and trust people, after all that has happened. Maybe I should start listening to myself more often, afterall who knows whats best for yourself..better than urself? |
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So I'm back to xanga, dont know how long that will last though, maybe just tonight. I can't really sleep. Although I'm sick as hell. My heads pounding from lack of sleep and possible stress. The above entry somewhat explains whats going on. I feel so relieved and scared. Everytime this happens, I don't know what to expect, only to hope for the best. I mean so much bad has come out of all of this, maybe the only thing left is good? I would hope so, i guess this week, these next few weeks will help determine this. I just hope that it goes both ways. A lot of times it seems as if he doesn't even want me around. I hope he shows it more, I know I'm going to try much harder. I'm at a point where, I can't take anymore disappointments, I just want everything to feel better. I want everything to fall into place...I want to be happy, honestly, this time around. I'm seriously curious to see what's in store for the both of us next....*crosses fingers* *shuts eyes tight*....please let it be good.... | | |
| I was looking at this site Gordon gave me. Cleaning piercings, types of piercings and such. This chicks crazy!!
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| After careful consideration and driving everyone INSANE. I've decided to take AP, but not now. I'll take it 2nd semester so that I won't have to make up the work for this semester. Then, I'll take classes at skyline this summer to balance out my GPA, to make up for not taking AP first semester. I wonder if my plan is okay. I hope it works. I'm so wrapped up in AP and GPA's that I forgot another important college admitting detail, SAT scores. Boy are mine LOW. Hmm, maybe I can use this time catching up. I got a letter in the mail today saying that Princeton Review has a refresher course for the SAT. So maybe, if it was included in the original deal, I'll take it. It would help a ton. =) | | |
| You'll probably think I'm insane. I want to join AP. I know its almost half way into the year. WHAT COULD I BE POSSIBLY THINKING?! I'll tell you what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that I want UC Berkeley if not Stanford. I'm thinking that I wasted my entire sophomore year with drama and that this is the year that will determine the REST OF MY LIFE. I am thinking that, I WANT TO PROVE EVERY DAMN PERSON IN MY FAMILY WRONG! I want to show them that if i really do put my mind to something I'll do it and I will succeed. Do you know what this means though? This means, from now until June I can't be lazy. I have to be on top of everything. That's not bad. It's who I am anyways. It's who I've been. A person with goals and a person who needs a challenge and needs to prove herself. heh...These last few months my mind was set to "SCREW THE WORLD. IT DOESN'T MATTER" but it does. I need to be challenged and need to prove myself to be who I am. If my mind is set to screw the world, I'm nothing. Which is exactly what I am right now. Nothing. My day consists of sitting around wondering what to do next. Barely any of it involves eduction. Education is what keeps me going. So, with all this stuff in mind, AP HERE I COME!
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